#3 A concept I think about when im high 05/05/26 23:35

when you look at this photo, what do you assume about its surroundings? The housing around it would lead you to believe that its a heavily suburban area, with maybe a forest behind the houses. But one would most likely assume that it is surrounded with houses. This is not the case, as this photo is taken in an area that is a 5 minute walk away from a series of four large sized plazas, and then another 5 to the main road out of the city. But you never would have known, Now if you look back at the photo does it feel like it fits more to that context. The road where the camera is standing on is a lot wider than the other, suggesting that its more of a main road, the large gap behind the houses might suggest that its just pure ruralness after all that. Isn't it odd how much context shapes how we see everything in this world.

This idea really started to facinate me one day when I was wandering the downtown area of my childhood town. It was dark and I was very very baked, I wandered a bit north to where a set of train tracks separate the downtown and the rest of the city. I found a what seems to be nearly abandoned plaza and I sat down beside a lone standing book store. and I looked over across the street to see the other little plaza with an apartment, popeyes and some other various stores in the background.

Knowing my context with the area, I know that there is so much bustling life around where I was seated. If you walk 10 mins south you are right in the heart of the downtown, east and west are the "service" roads where all the industrial companies/after school programs/mechanics set up shop because its cheaper and out of the way, and where I am it is a super busy area of my town, and north of the tracks leads to where the more large plazas and it also leads to the highway.

But,, in my impaired state, I was able to look towards the train tracks and the two lone buildings around me. Suddenly I didnt find myself on the outskirts of the downtown of a city with a population of 244,000, no.. suddenly I was in some bum fuck nowhere 4000 person population town where the closest thing to a "downtown" is the policestation, bar in a 3 story hotel and a tiny supermarket. The kind of town where the highways are more like regional roads where its just a long stretch of nothing for forever, the kind of town where everyone knows each others name, the kind of town where the most fun thing to do was get high and go to the gas station, kind of town where you could always have your privacy. I liked thinking about that, and so i did.

So now this is a concept I think about a lot when im high, its night and im gone for a walk. It feels so easy to get lost in a place thats so familliar through the lens of weed. Its fun too! Something so comforting and exciting to be found in a place that you know every twist and turn about, but the context around it could seem completely different. Or sometimes when im out in a city, like the other day I was driving around burlington and I thought, "why does my surroundings look like downtown burlington? Is it because I know where I am and my view is shaped to that context, or are there really that much bigger architectural differences here compared to something like west end toronto? does the space around me feel that much more open because i know burlington is less dense than toronto, or is it just the context afflicing my view that much. Weird stuff...

So whats the point of me talking about this? im not sure I havent smoked enough dope to come to a proper conclusion about it yet!! but also maybe it doesnt need a point, extrapolate your own answers from my ramblings.

Goodbye for now friend

#2 Sick Brain Syndrome 04/05/26 - 01:02

“I heard this story about a fish. He swims up to this older fish and says, "I'm trying to find this thing they call the ocean." "The ocean?" says the older fish. "That's what you're in right now." "This?" says the young fish. "This is water. What I want is the ocean."

Sometimes the answer we're looking for is right in front of us for our whole life, and we never thought to look down. Only ever just forward. Thats what I pull from this quote from "soul". It feels like im trying to search for something so obvious. Everyone else knows, and maybe I do too. maybe i'm just too proud to look down. Shortly after covid I fell into the deepest bout of depression I have ever known, a sense of nothingness that it felt like a black hole had come and sucked up my insides, I was only pulled out by transitioning. Estrogen genuinely gave me my feelings back, I could cry so freely (it was wonderful). I am so certain I deal with depression, maybe even other mental illnesses to add to the sick brain syndrome. ADD and Depression are my big two im certain on, I hardly have any motivation to do anything, even the things I enjoy. MY HOBBIES!!! it genuinely feels like an uphill battle to even do the things that are supposed to bring me joy, When i eventually do commit to a project or something of some sort, if I do not work on it 24/7 until completetion I will forget about it forever and it will be just another thing I wasted money on to see no end. Sometimes I will randomly get extremely upset for no reason, no reason at all. just one day you wake up and you know its there, a massive despair beast, showing up and robbing you of any defining trait. it follows you around until it gets bored and decides to follow around some other poor sap.

When I started university, I went to see a school-doctor,,, he was a massive cunt!!! I explained to him that I most likely have anxiety (and if you dont know, doctors love anxiety cause they blame it on everything) I also told him about everything else mentioned above and how I get moments where I feel as if people are going to abandon me for no explicible reason, it can be as unreasonable as it wants to be and I will believe it, I will sometimes think the best then the worst of my close loved ones and that I feel widely disconnected from every person in the world. Like i am an alien to my own kind. His professional opinion was that I have "GAD with BPD like symptoms". This floored me because,, thats just way too normal for comfort. I went into these sessions joking to myself that if He said that I was normal I would just end it all. because in my mind if what I am experiencing is normal I want nothing to do with the human condition. But anxiety does not explain my long bouts of nothingness feeling, it does not explain why I cut myself open and wish I could die on the spot. It does not explain why I feel so disconnected and want to go days upon days upon days not talking to a single human being in my life ever again. fuck that guy.

Hypothetically... if I were to have OCD, It would be pure O. either the anxiety i face is so great that its got me with the mindset of someone who has OCD, or I have OCD myself. I watched a 2 hour long video on OCD types and what its like as someone to live with it and I related to it way too hard that it gave me a mini identity crisis and I needed to change how i dressed. I think i can only talk about this topic if I am really feeling the emotion so I will leave it here. There is something sick and twisted stirring inside my brain.

Goodbye for now friend

#1 Hello World! 04/05/26 - 00:31

Hellooo hello,, testing testing........ Just checking if this works. I guess i'll talk a little bit behind why I started this and who I am maybe. my name is cass and I am someone who sometimes feels like I am floating throughout life, with nothing to do and nothign to show. Im currently in school for engineering which is cool I guess, but I've always wanted to be a creative. I am someone who for some reason or another lacks any kind of drive to see projects through (i guess im proving myself wrong if you can read this though), which is why I picked engineering in the first place as I dont really wanna burn myself out of any creative juices i got left. I started this last summer as a way to have my own little corner of things but quickly dropped that because I dont know CSS or html very well... now im back because I rememebered about this + have a sudden spark + I know how to use templates. I guess we'll see how long this spark will last, this may be my first of many entries and this might just be my first and only... time will tell all i know is that one must strike when the iron is hot.

Goodbye for now friend